Is there a word that combines “scared out of your mind” and “bubbling over with excitement”? If so, I can’t think of it, but that sums up the two feelings that are existing simultaneously in my heart as we embark on this journey.
I have linked to a blog called Confessions of a Homeschooler. I take you right to her
“Why We Homeschool” post. It was an inspiration from the moment I read it. I’d love to tell you that THAT was the initial pull to Homeschool, but for us, that came later.
Our son was “behind” in his motor skills at the Preschool he attended, and being a boy, and one of the youngest in his class, this wasn’t unusual. (I found out later!) But he is my first-born, and so I acted appropriately. I cried my eyes out. It’s like when your first-born drops his pacifier on the floor, and you stick it in your diaper bag to take home and disinfect. Child #2 comes along, drops her pacifier, you pick it up, brush it against your pant leg (if they’re lucky) and stick it right back in their mouth, problem solved. Somewhere along the line, you learned that your child is licking the floor whenever you aren’t looking anyway, and however GROSS that is, they aren’t getting sick from it, so…. life goes on. Well, when I found out Goose (my son) was behind in his motor skills along with a couple other concerns, I started having heart palpitations. We took him to get tested. At the same time, I read the book
“Parenting by the Book.” The test results came back a day after I finished reading that book.
Test Results showed that my son is left-brained and very smart! Yay! It also helped us see areas of his development where we needed to spend more time on, and areas we had been over-working due to his natural strengths. We needed to cut out almost all television, no video games, minimal puzzles and legos. We needed to do more arts and crafts, play more music, play make-believe games and above all, play outside! He had other things to say, but this is where the book comes in. Reading
“Parenting by the Book”, I saw areas where we had fallen into certain parenting pitfalls. Mind you, we don’t watch a lot of tv, we are doing our best to raise children who will one day love God and have a personal relationship with Jesus. We’ve been doing our best. I cook healthy meals, we are all for playing outside… but somehow, we had fallen into a routine that wasn’t working. I had become an exasperated parent. Instead of dealing with my son’s outbursts with consistency and consequence, I’d begun sighing, rolling my eyes, waiting until it was over, and talking… a LOT of talking. Only no one was listening, and nothing was changing.
After leaving the meeting with the doctor, my husband and I gave each other high fives. “Our son is Smart!” the tests had shown. And we took a moment to celebrate. Then we got down to business. “He has a delay in motor skills. But what’s really going on here is a discipline problem on our parts.” Friends, I tell you now this was a horribly humbling thing to have to acknowledge, let alone share with all of you. Also difficult was meeting with his teacher. She is a lovely woman who’s husband had been an assistant pastor at our church, so I know her personally, and she teaches at the small private Christian preschool my son attends. I told her what the doctor said, and about the changes we would be making at home. Next I apologized to her. I told her that I was realizing that the reason Goose wasn’t obeying or paying attention in school wasn’t because of any problem that he had, but rather, we weren’t enforcing these things as rules in our home. I told her we’d be working on all these things, and we have. In fact, after about 2 months now of no to minimal t.v. (I still have to shower), lots of effort on our part, a few discipline showdowns, and a LOT of love, we have seen marked improvement. Also, his teacher has seen marked improvement.
But in the midst of those showdowns, one day Goose had a melt-down and refused to go to school. Normally, this wouldn’t fly, but it was one of those situations where I couldn’t ask his teacher to deal with him, along with all the other children. So I told him he could stay home, but he’d have to do all his schoolwork. And he did. In fact, we had a GREAT day! He did worksheets from all his subjects, we baked cookies, we played, he helped clean… It was great. But I was also in turmoil. I knew my husband would be upset that I’d given in. I didn’t know what to do about my son, about his schooling for the following year… our options were public school, and private school. Our district for public school is not a good one, and private school is expensive. I did what I do with all my life problems when I’ve finally come to the end of my rope. I went to my room, shut the door, fell on my bed and cried. And then I prayed. With all my heart! I told God exactly how I felt, how overwhelmed I was and scared. But I also told him I was exhausted and didn’t have the energy to deal with it anymore. I prayed and asked God to please speak to my husband. To show him the right answer for our family.
Well, my friends, God is a God who answers prayer! When hubby came home from work, I told him all about our day. Why I’d let Goose stay home, and how well he’d done. We’d already noticed that he excels in a one-on-one environment, something you can’t expect at a traditional school, but up until this day, Hubby disliked even having the “H” word said out loud. So when he finally said “So you’re telling me that everything he would normally do at school, you just did with him here at the house? Jen, I think we need to consider homeschooling next year.” I nearly fell off my seat. Why was I so shocked? Hadn’t I just asked God to provide us with the answer? And here it was! I was excited! It solved all our problems… And then came the fear.
Oh, the feelings of inadequacy that followed! Could I do this? How would I do this? I watched as my dreams of morning manicures and coffee with friends slipped out of sight. And replacing them were thoughts of ruining my children with the best of intentions. Don’t quit reading here, folks! It gets better.
That’s when I found Erica’s blog;
Confessions of a Homeschooler. I read why she’d chosen to homeschool. And it hit me. This wasn’t about a delay in motor skills, or about my son excelling with one-on-one attention. It wasn’t just a wake-up call about consistent discipline. It was a Bible Blue-Print for how to raise your children to LOVE GOD above all else. It was about what my job as a mother looks like to God, and apparently that didn’t look like my plans of sipping lattes in a pedicure spa chair. (Sigh.) I suddenly realized that if God was bringing me to it, He would give me everything I needed to equip me for the job.
And so my journey is beginning. It started with heart palpitations, doctor’s appointments and parenting books. I moved on to internet resources, blogs, and friends. But ultimately, it’s a choice for our family that is slowly being built upon the rock of our Salvation. Please read Erica’s post
HERE. She has so thoroughly and eloquently written what’s (now) in my heart. Also, to anyone out there who may be struggling with the same doubts that I do, I want to say one more thing. I realized that ultimately, there may be better teachers out there. (Teaching is not my background.) However, there is no one out there who loves my children more than their Dad and I do. Who cares more about how they turn out than we do, and wants to see them succeed. Who cares more about them having a relationship with God… Ah, but wait. I stand corrected. God does. And as He, our Lord and Savior, is ultimately the one who is leading us down this path, I’m going to trust Him to equip me for every good work that he has prepared in advance for me to do. I will keep my eyes on Him, and let God lead the way. Adventures in Homeschooling, here we come!
